Ceramics: Final Stage

 

Before going to class on the first day of our ceramics project, I had read an article about elephants and how they can mourn and comfort each other during a death. This stuck to me because of how many people I have lost in the past few years and how I still feel lost on how to mourn and get over the loss. I have lost my grandpa, my first dog, my good friend, and other relatives all within the past two years. When I look at this elephant, I will not think of just them but know that one day I will look back on their memory and not be sad anymore. I want to learn from the grieving process of the elephants and remember that it is all a part of life.

Though I ended up going through multiple elephants until achieving this final piece, I am happy with my results. I worked very hard on getting the realistic skeletal structure of the elephant’s face to come through as well as the wrinkles and the natural flow of the ears. After making the first one, it was got easier and easier to remake them. I chose to stain my piece with wood polish, and then smudge white acrylic paint over the tusks for a worn, ivory look.

 

As for my vessel, this one came to me as I was creating it. I originally made the tree trunk to be a container for the elephant to sit on, but decided I would keep the elephant a separate piece and go a different route. I then began to build a nest, not sure what I was going to put inside. After layering bits of clay to form the nest, I then debated about whether or not I should put a bird or a few eggs. Then I realized those weren’t my only options… I could put anything in there I want. I relate this piece to myself because often times people who first meet me tell me I am not what they expected me to be like at all… so in order to portray that I filled the nest with cube-shaped eggs. One is cracked and coming out of it one will be surprised to find a fried egg leaking out onto the outer edges of the nest.

 

 

Sense of Touch: A Lasting Impression

October 30th, 2013. I lost one of the most important people in my life. He is the reason I am who I am today. He is the reason I have a home, the reason I was born, and the reason I strive for greatness. His death seemed impossible and inevitable all at the same time. I knew he was sick, but he had been sick for a while. Every time I heard he was getting worse, I put it behind me and pretended it wasn’t real. He was my neighbor, my role model, and my grandpa. 

George Carper died of Prostate cancer, one of the most common cancers found in older men. He went through every treatment possible, flying across country to find the best doctor possible. His will to live was strong and he fought until the end. In his last weeks of life, my grandpa was provided an in-home hospital bed where he could stay in the comfort of his home while being connected to an IV.  When I visted him, it was like visiting a stranger. He slept for the most part, and when he was awake he didn’t seem to recognize anything. After suffering a couple strokes, he was hardly able to talk. This was one of the hardest things for me because my Papa was the most intelligent man I had ever met. He was a mechanical engineer and was an extremely important person in my community. When asked his name, he would respond in grunts and confused looks. I could tell he was in so much pain, but my grandma was too afraid to give him the pain medication he needed. Finally my father (his son) stepped in and gave him the medicine. Then a miracle happened.

Seconds after the medicine dissolved, his eyes popped open. He stared out the window and spoke as if he had never been sick. He noticed the birds outside, spoke his name, and looked my father into his eyes and told him he loved him. We were all in total shock and used this precious time of consciousness wisely. We all had a chance to talk with him before he started to slowly return to his lethargic, confused state. As I began to leave the room, I walked up to his bed one last time. I knew this would be the last chance I got to say bye. I told him I loved him and that he was the greatest grandpa I could have ever asked for. I then began to walk away, only to be stopped by a dry, wrinkled hand wrapped around my wrist. “Goodbye honey.”

The sensation sent chills down my spine. I didn’t expect him to grab out to me, let alone speak to me. Only moments before he had no idea who any of us were. I will never forget how it felt to have him recognize me one final time, even in his worst condition. My Papa was the most successful, honorable, truthful man I have met to this date. I tried my best in everything I did just to hear his praise. I am so glad to have made him proud so far throughout my college career, and I will continue to do so. 

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/Cincinnati/obituary.aspx?n=George-S-CARPER&pid=167777344

Spacial Perception

I have been a worried child since birth, but I wasn’t diagnosed with an anxiety disorder until high school. From a young age I was constantly worried and obsessing about tornadoes and cavities, but as I got older I learned there were a lot worse things in the world. While most kids were going through their stage of feeling invincible, I was doing quite the opposite. Everything scared me and it was overwhelming. In high school, I started having constant panic attacks and thought I was going crazy. Every time I felt my anxiety levels rising I thought I was having a heart-attack and made my mom rush me to the doctors. After all of my EKGs and blood tests came back normal, my doctor finally explained to me what was going on.

Most people don’t understand why this is such a hard disorder to live with. They think, “Well… you aren’t dying. So why are you scared?” My usual response ends up being something like, “If I held a loaded gun to your head and told you I wouldn’t pull the trigger… are you still going to be scared?” It is often the unknown that scares me the most. I have many triggers, but more often than not panic attacks creep up at unexpected moments. Public speaking, crowded rooms, large bodies of water, medicine, outer-space, and sudden death are some of the few triggers of my anxiety.

Having an anxiety disorder has affected my spacial perception in many ways. Walls begin to cave in and my peripheral vision starts to blacken. I feel everyone’s eyes on me, judging my every move. Everything feels like it is trying to trap me in, which often leads to me running outside where I feel like I can breathe. Time slows down and speech turns to gibberish. It is an extremely scary experience to involuntarily disengage from reality. My heart is usually beating out of my chest while my brain is trying to convince me that I’m dying. This makes going to school very difficult for me sometimes, but as the years go on I am learning to control and cope with my anxiety. I can no longer drink caffeine or take any type of medicine (Tylenol, cough medicine, flu shots, muscle relaxers, anti-depressants, etc.) without it causing me intense anxiety.

Anxiety does not only change my spacial perception, but how I perceive the world as a whole. I am extremely sensitive to everything around me. I use art to express these emotions and turn all the chaos inside my head into a piece of work.

Sample Anxiety Photography Portfolio

Anxiety Drawings